To me, before I became a mother...
At the mama retreat I was a part of in October (read about the retreat here), Heather Avis led us through a writing exercise. We wrote out our unknowns in the form of questions. We wrote out questions that we didn’t have the answers to at the time, and the ones we could answer definitely. My friend Rachel shared her letter last week (read her letter here), and she inspired me to share mine. We also wrote letters to our future selves, which I will share next week.
I have to admit- after knowing and loving my Dex for 6 and a half years, I was embarrassed to even write out some of the thoughts I had when I first learned he had Down syndrome. Our journey is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows, but I wouldn’t change one second or one thing about my awesome boy. Just want to be honest and real with you guys.
Questions I had no answers to:
Am I capable?
How is our life going to look?
Will he be accepted by our friends and family?
What will his medical needs be?
Questions I could answer immediately:
Do I love this baby? YES!
Do I want to be his mother? YES!
Your life will totally change when you meet your first son. You will forget everything you ever thought you wanted your life to be. He is precious and cute and absolutely perfect- and he kind of looks like a sumo-wrestler.
But then the questions start to fill your mind. The questions you don’t have answers to. Why me? Why him? Am I good enough to be his mother? What is our life going to look like? Will he be accepted? You will feel lost and overwhelmed, but you will get lost in those big brown eyes and say out loud, “we will figure this out together, my boy.”
Even though you didn’t have those answers, you do have the answers to two very important questions- do I love this baby? Do I want to be his mother? Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes. There is nothing in the world I would rather be.
The answers to the other questions will be answered by truths you can cling to. They will also be answered in a way that will make you crazy and filled with even more questions. But here we go…
Am I capable? Nope, but thanks to Jesus, and my kid being a freaking rockstar- we are making it!
How is our life going to look? Crazy, messy, therapy and specialist filled, cozy, silly, hard, beautiful, and awesome. I can promise, you wouldn’t want your life to look any other way. You adore your life with your people, even on the sucky days.
Will he be accepted? He will be by so many, but not everyone. Some will put limits on him, leave him out and dismiss him, but MANY will love him fiercely and with all they have. You will have a support system that will continue to grow exponentially.
You guys will learn and grow together all along your journey. Some days will be filled with joy and progress, other days you will feel like you are drowning. But you won’t drown. Your boy will show you how to live and love.
You’ve got this. And you have the best boy in all the land to do this with!
Thanks to Rachel for helping me have the courage to share my letter. Praying this encourages you no matter where you are on your journey. This was such a therapeutic exercise for me. I encourage you to write a letter to your past self. You know they say hindsight is 20/20.
Until next time, friends.